SELF-ESTEEM

Self-esteem is an important tool in your child’s development. The way a person views himself affects not only the way the rest of the world sees him, but also how far he will go in life. If a child lacks the self-esteem needed to work towards his goals, they are never going to reach them.

One way children develop their self-esteem is through praise. For children, especially at a young age, this may be one of the only ways they can judge right from wrong. Praising children when they do something right, behave well or even give something their best effort will encourage them to continue acting that way.

Something you might try in your own home to help a child’s self-esteem is setting up a star chart, similar to what many school teachers do. If the child does a good deed or is especially good all day, they get a gold star on their chart. Each time they misbehave, a star is taken away. Set up a certain number of stars the child needs to reach in order to get a special prize like a trip to the park or their favorite dinner.

As your children pursue their goals, they will turn to you for help. Simply praising everything they do will leave them no room for growth, but don’t set them up for disappointment by aiming for perfection either. Instead, set reasonable expectations and goals for improvement. By taking on a method of constructive criticism that reflects the positive aspects of your child’s attempts but also gives suggestions for improvement, you will help them overcome obstacles that may get in the way of reaching their goals as well as give them a healthy self-esteem. Be sure to point out something positive before and after you give suggestions for improvement. Always criticize privately and praise publicly.

When pointing out the negative and the positive at the same time, it is important not to use the word “but,” which will cause your child to focus on only the negative aspect. It puts a wall between what they are doing wrong and how they can improve. For example, compare these two sentences: “Great job finishing all of your homework, but these two questions are wrong.” “Great job finishing your homework. You might want to look these two questions over again.” Do you see how the first sentence seems only to point out the flaw? The second sentence not only offers praise for the homework being done, but it also offers suggestion for improvement.

Letting your children be themselves is an important part of giving them high self-esteem. If you are judging them all the time, they will eventually come to view everyone’s judgment as a dictation of how they should act. They should learn that it doesn’t matter what other people think as long as you believe you are being true to yourself and doing the right thing.

To encourage individuality at a young age, let your children pick out which clothes they want to wear. As long as you make sure it is weather-appropriate, this is a great way for them to express themselves and get a sense of independence. Be sure to praise the great job they did, even if the clothes don’t exactly match. Letting children make harmless decisions when they are young is good practice for real decision making when they are older.

Self-esteem is not something that your children can learn. It is something that needs to be developed and nurtured in order to grow. You don’t want your child thinking he or she is better than everyone else, but having a strong sense of self-esteem in essential to your child’s success in life.

Contributed by Solomon Brenner.  Author Black Belt Parenting "the art of raising your child for success" Master instructor of Action Karate